Domesticated
by Luna.T.Lawliet
Summary: A little one shot about the Joker's life at home. Haven't you ever wondered how he is when he isn't plotting to rob banks, rip off mobsters or blow up people in ferries? Could turn into a series. Joker is a little OOC. Better than it sounds, believe me! JokerxOC
1. Have you done your homework?

_**Hello! It's me again!**_

 _ **I know I haven't updated or added anything new in aaaaggggesss but I'm working on that, don't you worry.**_

 _ **So, lemme introduce this story.**_

 _ **This is a little oneshot about the Joker's home life. You see, I've always kinda wanted to know how he'd be at home and this sorta came into my head so I wrote it down to satisfy my own curiousity. I hope it'll also satisfy yours!**_

 _ **Thanks for reading!**_

* * *

"Jacky… What have I told you about planning bank jobs on the dining table?" Luna asked, staring at the back of her boyfriend's head; he merely grunted in response, too deep in thoughts of explosives and trickery to pay any attention to her. Rolling her eyes in annoyance, she huffed quietly to herself but a plan quickly formulated in her mind when she noticed that his schematics were the original copies from the Gotham City archives.

Grabbing the two huge bowls of spaghetti and meatballs from the kitchen worktop, she sauntered over to him before roughly dumping them onto the table, splattering the floor plans with bolognaises sauce.

"I can almost see the blood now." She giggled, adjusting the bowls before whipping around to continue bringing food over to the table.

The Joker snapped his head to glare at the back of the young woman who had the audacity to interrupt him but couldn't stop his expression softening slightly at the sound of her soft laughter. _' Cheeky little minx'._ He thought, smiling to himself, but he quickly composed his features into an angry snarl when she turned towards him, a large pan of lasagna in one hand and a bowl of salad in the other.

"Something funny, _Looney_?" he growled, putting emphasis on his pet name for her but she simply ignored him in favour of setting the food on the table. When she refused to answer his question, he leaned forward to bring his hand down on her backside. "Pain in my ass. Don't know why I bother keeping you around Doll."

"Who else would look after you and the boys?" she replied sweetly as she made her way to the kitchen door, swaying her hips playfully, before poking her head into the hallway. "BOY! Dinners on the table! If it goes cold, one of you guys follow, do'ya hear me?!"

A few seconds after those words left her mouth, half a dozen men galloped down the stairs, passed the woman, and seated themselves at the dining table. Smiling, she turned on her heel to follow them though it quickly fell when she spotted Ryan sitting beside her empty spot.

"What've I told you about wearing that god damn mask at the table?" she snapped, ripping the latex clown mask from his head before smacking him with it. "I see it again, I burn it… while you're still wearing it. Understand?"

"Yeah Looney…" he murmured, looking down at his lap.

"Good." She said with a grin before taking her seat next to him, all the time ignoring the looks that the Joker was throwing in their direction. "Go on then lads, get stuck in."

That was all that needed to be said.

The calmness of the room was broken by the crescendo of metal spoons clashing against serving dishes and the petty arguments which followed. After a few minutes of the feeding frenzy chaos, it settled down to the quiet chomping and appreciative hums of the starving men.

"So… Have you all finished your homework?" The Joker asked between mouthfuls of pasta, glowering at the criminals crowded around the table. Despite his disheveled appearance and the pasta sauce around his mouth, he still managed to cause a small trickle of fear to travel down their spines. "I'll take your silence as a 'yes'. Let's have a little pop quiz, shall we? Twitch, what's the response time?"

"Cops'll be there in 'bout ten minutes… Give or take thirty seconds each way." Twitch responded, crumbs flying from his mouth as he spoke but he merely shrugged it off and tucked back into the huge mountain of food he'd dished out for himself.

"Tiny… Alarm system."

"Gonna have to get to the roof where they keep the main circuit breaker so I can hack into it. Typical silent alarm sending signals to the police and the bat. Can take it down in forty seconds if it aint been activated."

"And if it has?"

"A good five minutes… I'd have to lapse the signal back on itself and bounce off of a couple of towers in the area to scramble it and blow the box."

"Well then," Luna chimed in, much to the annoyance of the clown prince of crime at the opposite end of the table. "Looks like I'm gonna have to keep 'em busy now, don't it?"

"You're not coming." Joker told her, taking a drink from his glass while staring into the eyes of his lover, daring her to contradict his orders.

"Course I am."

"You're not." He hissed, his jaw clenched as he glared at her. "Remember the last time you helped with a job? We ended up in Arkham… again."

"But we did meet these really nice guys," she added, fluttering her eyelashes innocently. "and that one guard… wow.. He was… not my type at all." She lied after seeing his face taint an ugly shade of red at the thought of his girl liking someone else.

"Thought so _sweetness_." He growled in response, giving her a look that promised severe punishment later which caused her to gulp slightly in fear but also shiver in anticipation.

The make up after the punishment – the raw, passionate, rough make up – was definitely worth any punishment he forced her to endure first.

"Stretch… How you gonna get in?" Luna said, her voice an octave higher, earning a smirk from the green haired man across the table.

"Spread your legs and I'll show you." He replied, winking at her but as he opened his mouth to say something else, he was gripping at his throat to stop the bleeding while the Joker reclined back in his seat, lovely wiping his blade with a napkin.

"Oh ha ha ha." The clown muttered sarcastically, staring at the body. "I do the jokes around here."

* * *

 ** _Please review and lemme know what you think :)_**


	2. Who left the toilet seat up?

_**Howdy folks, me again!**_

 _ **Here's a second chapter of this story seeing as I've had a lot of positive feedback.**_

 _ **So, without further a do, I present 'The Great Toilet Debate'**_

* * *

"So… I'm gonna take a wild stab in the dark and guess you're all wondering why I've dragged everyone in here, right?" Luna asked the assembled group of joker's thugs – including the illusive painted man himself – pacing in front of them while casually tapping her favourite baseball bat against the palm of her other hand as she walked. "Ya see fellas, it's come to my attention that one of you lazy fuck-fact slobs can't be arsed to put the toilet seat down. I just wanna find out which one of ya it is. So.. I'm gonna stand 'ere until one of you either confess to it or rat on the culprit."

"And if we don't?" Tiny asked, swallowing the lump quickly forming in his throat when she whipped around to glare at him. Despite the small fact that he towered over the pixie by at least a foot, he was terrified of little bundle of terror; he knew in his mind that if it ever came down to choosing between one of his bosses to take on in a fight, he would risk it and swing for the clown.

"Well, Tiny, I'll start lopping off important body parts so none of you will need to put the seat up 'cause you'll have to park ya arse to piss." She explained, giggling sadistically before swinging the bat up to rest on her shoulder. "Why'd you ask? Got an inkling who it is?"

"Babe," the Joker interrupted. "If you're gonna do this kinda shit, at least keep it outta the way of the TV. As fine as your arse is, it makes a better door than a window and our bank job's on Channel 5 news." He finished, lifting his foot off of the coffee table so he could kick his girlfriend out of the way of the screen.

"Okay darling." She murmured, smiling as sickly sweet as she could at him before grabbing her weapon firmly in her hand.

Without once glancing backwards, she shoved the end of the wooden bat straight through the screen of the TV, causing the suddenly exposed wires to spark and crackle before the fuses blew and the lights flickered as every electrical device in the house reset itself.

"You bitch!" he snarled, pushing himself off of the tattered sofa and moving to stand in front of her, their faces barely an inch apart. "You break it, you buy it. You better replace that tomorrow."

"Bite me clown." She spat, poking him as hard as she could in the chest. "I've had a fucking enough of you bastards messing up my house and expecting me to clean up after ya. I've had enough of the cooking for you and your little play mates, waking up to find holes in my walls from you throwing fucking knives and having to constantly check if the seats down before going for a piss! I want you out!"

"Lu, don't ya think you're overreacting a little?

"Shut your trap Stretch… or I will personally rip off your cock and shove it so far up your own arse that you'll be getting anal and a blow job at the same fucking time. Got it?"

"Yeah." He muttered, slowly lowering himself back into his seat, continuing to watch the pair in front of them warily.

The last time she threw the clown out, he set the house on fire.

"Don't take it out on him… he's my guy, not yours."

"This house is mine!" she responded, shoving him with enough force that he swayed on his feet before quickly recovering his stance. "The bills are mine! All the chores are mine! The mortgage is mine! Get the fuck out of it Jack 'cause I've had enough!"

"You think you'll cope without me?" he hissed, grabbing hold of her arm and using it to yank her closer so their bodies were tightly pressed together. "Without me _darling,_ you'd still be wearing that jacket in that nice padded room while the orderlies fuck your dosed up brains out. You'd be nothing if I didn't break you out. I made you."

"I'd rather be gang fucked by them all over again then share my bed with you for one more night." She told him, her voice low and calm as she glared straight into his eyes. "At least they cleaned up after themselves."

Before he had the chance to think through what he was doing, he had brought the back of his hand swiftly across her face and watched as she crumpled to the floor, her head hitting the oak coffee table on the way down.

In an instant, Tiny and Stretch were by her side, helping her to her feet while the other goons stared at him with wide eyes.

"Looney,"

"Get outta my house." She snapped, raising a hand to dab the blood trickling from her hairline. "I can't stand to look at you."

"Fine."

With that said, he stormed out of the living room, slamming the door behind him before making his way up the stairs. After fifteen minutes of aggressively shoving his things into a duffel bag, he made his way back down into the living room, expecting to see his men waiting for him so they could all leave together however that wasn't the case.

Everyone was exactly how he had left them.

"Leave your keys on the table."

"C'mon then guys." He said, throwing his keys onto the coffe table but no one moved. "You're gonna stay with her? Really?"

"Sorry boss but she cooks good."

"Gee, thanks for the loyalty Tiny."

"Just get out."

Without another word said, he left the house and threw his stuff into the back of his van.

"She'll come crawling back."

One week later…

"It's midnight…" Luna grumbled, running her hand through her long crimson curls as she made her way down the stairs, her mobile in one hand as to illuminate the darkness a few feet in front of her and her baseball bat tucked safely beneath her arm like a morning newspaper. "I should be sleepin;', not answerin' the fucking door to whoever the fuck you are. Don't you sleep?"

Finally reaching the door, she unlocked it quickly and threw it open to reveal a wet Joker standing there, make up smeared down his face from the rain and his clothes wrinkled and stained with a dying bunch of roses clutched in his hands.

"I'm… I'm sorry." He mumbled, staring through the greasy green curtain of hair covering his face with sad brown eyes. "I didn't mean to lose my temper like that."

"Ya come here, with a dying bunch of petrol station flowers, and expect me to forgive ya with open arms?"

"Looney," he purred, his voice as soft as crushed velvet as he tried to wrap an arm around her waist but she took a step backwards, moving the bat to press into his chest in order to keep him at a distance. "You know I've missed you."

"Cause no one's washed your clothes?"

"C'mon baby, lemme come home."

"Fuck yourself."

"Why don't you fuck me instead?" he asked, pushing the bat out of the way and capturing her in his arms. "It's been a whole week… you can't still be mad at me?"

"You hit me." She murmured, tucking a loose curl behind her ear to show a dark bruise on her cheek.

He didn't know what it was but a small shiver travelled down his spine when he saw it… marking her… telling everyone exactly who she belonged to so no other man would touch her.

"C'mon here." He growled, tangling his hand in her hair and yanking her face closer to his, crushing their mouths together with bruising force.

"Fine. Get that soaking arse of yours inside to dry off." She panted when they eventually separated.

"So I'm forgiven?" he inquired innocently, slipping out of his jacket and hanging it up to dry off before turning to face his tired looking girlfriend.

"Yeah, you're forgiven."

"Good… " he said, beginning to climb the stair case with her following a couple of steps behind. "It was me leaving the seat up."

"I fucking knew it!"


End file.
